The Actourist Part ]|[:
At long last, we reach the end of this journey, and, like so many suitors in Odysseus' home, I will slay your misconceptions one final time. The concluding definition is the broadest of all broad definitions. If it were a street, it would be Broad Street. If it were a woman, it would be in a gangster flick, where they call women 'broads', rather than 'dames'. If it were a word, it would rhyme with 'pod' or 'sod' or 'nod' or 'Harold and Maude'. That's right. It's 'broad'.
All acting can be easily filed under this heading. Our first lesson was on Acting From Without Imagination. The second was on Acting From Without Talent. Now, we move on to the aspects of this acting philosophy that have not yet been covered.
Acting From Without Height: Check out Warwick Davis' career from Willow to playing an Ewok in Return of the Jedi. This guy can act without being tall. Some find it mind-boggling that a decrease in stature is not equal to a decrease in acting, but I proclaim, with a happy smile on my face and two thumbs raised high into the air, "You're idiots!"
Acting From Without Hair: Back in the glory days of William Shatner, many people believed acting talent was equal to the glorious amount of hair on your head. When they discovered the truth, of his sinister, wily toupee, those actors climbing the ladders of success due to their lustrous locks were soon falling down the chutes of despair. Then came Patrick Stewart. Baldness was no longer a sign of the common man. Now, the feature was finally attributed to the distinguished actor, and the audience saw their cheerful, beaming faces reflected off of the heads of actors everywhere.
Acting From Without Face: Allow me to mention now my fantastic work as Murray Ermer. From behind that obtrusive skull mask, I somehow managed to plumb the depths of emotion, eliciting flowing tears and relentless applause at the end of the thrilling character-piece, Fatal Killings. Without the benefit of facial expression, I showed the audience pain, anger, hopelessness, audacity, love, and, most importantly, the beautiful award that I won for my performance.
Ok... well, I made it myself...
Out of grass and teabags.
But it was the thought that counted.
Now, we have reached the ultimate meaning of this definition; the meaning that will change your life and prove your greatness; the meaning that will lift you up on the pinnacle of genius that you've been trying desperately to build as you've been taking those night classes in order to learn how to read my columns from the past month. This is the time for you to take those long-awaited steps into the future of your existence. Are you ready?
Acting From Without: The greatest example of this tactic has been shown by the up-and-coming young actor, Vin Diesel. You will notice that he has acted in many movies throughout his brief years in the film business, but none of his films have won the coveted Best Picture award at the Oscars. Certainly, one, Saving Private Ryan, was nominated, but it did not win. Mr. Diesel was young then, and he had not quite worked out the perfection of the Acting From Without technique that he now has.
Simply put, this is saying: by Vin Diesel's aid, by his not allowing himself to act in a film, he has been responsible for all of the Best Picture winners in the past ten years, at least. Had he been in those same films, they would have lost. So Vin has made a career of not acting in the best films, and thereby, allowing greatness to exist.
Now, you must realize how truly wonderful you all are. By not acting, you all do your part to make films better. As I had said at the beginning of this program, you will be able to act or your money back. Well, now you know, you've been acting all your life. Acting From Without Being In Films. I can never thank you enough.
You've been a great class. Potentially the most talented Acting From Without-ers that I've ever witnessed in all my years. I couldn't imagine having the Oscars without you all being without.
And yes, you would really be that detrimental to show business.