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Adversity to Anniversaries
TTT Interview Column

Anniversary:  the word strikes fear into the hearts and wallets of men.  "Selective memory" is our only chance, somehow hoping that not mentioning it will make it go away.  Well, it won't go away... unless you scare it away.

This is the TTT's anniversary, not that I know how many years we've been together, because, really, they're just not all that good in bed.  Why bother?  So, in honor of this useless event, I went ridiculously far out of my way and had someone interview the team, pull out some interesting lines, and wash my car.  Meanwhile, I celebrated by listening to "She Blinded Me With Science" repeatedly while smashing Chia Pets over our old movies.


Why not?

So here's what I've learned from my "colleagues"...

Aaron's Addiction

Dave:  "Good day, Aaron."
Aaron:  "I don't know what I'm talking about."
Dave:  "That's alright.  We'll just take it easy here. You seem a little bit out of it."
Aaron:  "Ya know, 'cause of the feces and stuff..."
Dave:  "Speaking of which, there's something few TTT fans know about."
Aaron:  "Really? (angry)  Damn dirty apes--I mean...hmm..."
Dave:  "It's ok.  They are apes."
Aaron:  "They tried to actually take over the project."
Dave:  "Which project was that?"
Aaron:  "Titanic."
Dave:  "We didn't film that."
Aaron:  "Yeah... wait, what?"
Dave:  "Ok.  So back to my original point:  few fans know that you've had a long-standing drug problem."
Aaron:  "It makes me happy in ways I can't describe."
Dave:  "The drugs or the drug problem?"
Aaron:  "Yeah... wait, what?"
Dave:  "Never mind.  How do you use these drugs?"
Aaron:  "Well, it's pretty simple really... you just plug it in."
Dave:  "Directly into your brain?"

<Long pause>

Dave:  "Aaron?"
Aaron:  "I forgot where I was for a second."
Dave:  "How many times were you arrested?"
Aaron:  "Many times actually."
Dave:  "Not a fan of the police, I take it?"
Aaron:  "I wouldn't fight them.  Or Don Knotts."
Dave:  "He's a fearsome warrior.  When you were in jail, did you find it to be as horrible as the depictions on TV, with the violence, anger, and the shower raping?"
Aaron:  "All that, and a bag o' chips, baby."
Dave:  "Even the shower raping?!"
Aaron:  "Well, it's pretty simple really... you just plug it in."
Dave:  "Oh my..."
Aaron:  "They behaved after that."
Dave:  "Yeah... I'd imagine.  Ok... well, I've gotta run."
Aaron:  "Maybe we should all go out for glintaz and clot-snitors some time."
Dave:  "Is that street slang?"
Aaron:  "Yeah... wait, what?"
Dave:  <sighs>  "How does one go out for glintaz and clot-snitors?"
Aaron:  "Well, the only advice I can give you right now is buy lots of plastic gloves and gas mask filters."
Dave:  "Right...  Anything you'd like to tell the TTT?"
Aaron:  "I'd be their non-feces-flinging friend."
Dave:  "Yeah, that's what you said last time.  Because of your shenanigans, Graham had to move."
Aaron:  "Feces!  That's hilarious!"
Dave:  "Sure, it is.  Ok, I'm leaving.  Please... don't follow me home again.  My wife is getting upset."
Aaron:  "But--"
Dave:  "Seriously."
Aaron:  "There's no film in history quite like From Beyond."
Dave:  "Yeah, ok, that's great.  Thanks for the interview."
Aaron:  "Justin destroyed something with his "clumsy hands"."

<Dave runs out the door.>

A Tale of Ted

Having been flooded by hate mail after my column on Ted Stoltzfus, I decided I should let HIM tell it like it is, rather than me, but my hired interviewer typed it up.  I didn't read it... hope it's good.  Enjoy... and leave me alone.

Ted Stoltzfus lounges by the pool at his humble Hollywood estate, sipping an icy Dr. Pepper.  His assignment, should he choose to accept it:  describe his life and times.  With a smile, he begins.

"Not too bad," Ted remarks with a smirk.  "It was definitely the coolest thing I experienced."  Surely, it was true that his existence was the coolest thing he had experienced, but I, and the American people, wanted to know more.  Upon my asking for his story, he continued without changing expressions, "Sorry.  You may have seen it in the paper."

Somewhere beyond this smarmy, and, in fact, Hollywoodized, exterior, there was a sad and troubling story.  Although that statement marked the end of my interview, as did the guards with giant, metal poles, I knew I had to search deeper.  With much research, and ripping off of other interviews, I found what I was searching for.  My "simulated interview" begins now:

"I was just about to leave the set," Mr. Stoltzfus admits.  "But now you know the real story."  Indeed I did.  Although most reporters were asking about his current film project, I knew to inquire about his past.  He was thrilled to explain.  "I will say this:  I was actually an average American viewer, cast entirely in concrete to symbolize the extreme weight of the sane viewing public."

His lack of coherency could be blamed on exhaustion from a long day in the studio, but, after the interview, I knew it was from something else.  "Being cast as a supporting character, I literally was acting, but [I] was most definitely not supposed to be there."  As a child actor, his horrendous reviews were scarring.  He was rendered speechless for several months of his life.  It was only after his first birthday that he began to speak in public, but the previous experience of being left on a film set, ending up in the shot, and being panned in the reviews for being a "mistake", filled the youngster with grief and bitterness.  That first film, Jail Cell Riot, may not have been the proper vehicle for a newborn, but the barely conscious Ted knew no better.  Its ghost haunted him for the rest of his career.

Yeah, so that was the Insanniversary issue.  I hope it was good, because I'm putting my name on it.  If it wasn't, then I'll have to beat my interviewer with giant, metal poles.  But there's one thing I absolutely, beyond a shadow of a moral doubt, refuse to do...  And that's to try to read this mangled mess that you just plowed through.  Happy Anniversary.  The divorce papers are in the mail.

Dave Casey and associate