The Evil Ted:  Army of... LINE?!

[Editor's Note:  David Casey is obviously a Hollywood blow-hard.  His opinions are ridiculous, and it's quite possible that he was beaten as a child.  Read at your own risk.]

I don't generally criticize the people I've worked with during my many years in the biz.  It's not my style.  I find it's better to gently mock them from afar, kind of like voodoo of disrespect.  Except the voodoo doll is my phone and the pins are prank calls.  Suckers.

This is the only time I'll break the silence... but when I break the silence, I don't weakly snap it.  I am like so many kung fu masters let loose in a lumber yard; I obliterate the silence.  I want to tell you all about a young actor by the name of Ted Stoltzfus.  Now, I know what you're thinking.  You squeal, "But he's brilliant!  He's like the Tom Hanks of crap!"  Yeah, well, I've got news for you, and the picture on the front page is your face, getting pummeled by my righteous, raging fists of fury.

We're talking about an actor that's been riding on one accomplishment for an entire career.  Without Got Mac in the early 90s, you wouldn't have heard of any Stoltzfus other than the one in that buggy you sped past on your way to the cow farm, a.k.a. photo-op number 1.  Hey, it beats having pictures of your children.  That's right.  It's because they're ugly.  And so are you.

But I digress... Ted Stoltzfus hasn't learned a line in his life.  I'm not even sure he's ever read a script.  Watch his starring role in Fatal Killings.  You think those are court documents he's reading off of?  You would... 

Idiot.

But then you wonder, "What about From Beyond?  He was great in that!"  Yeah, I'd agree, if I didn't know better.  That was just a Stoltzfus look-alike that they pulled in off of the street, hoping to grab some cheap ratings, which it might have.  But it was MY work in From Beyond that made the movie a FILM.  Overacting like that ain't easy when you're a trained professional like me. 

So, when you watch Trek Wars again, and you see my scene just before being beamed back onto the ship after the Gettysburg battle sequence, I want you to look closely at the corner of your screen.  Yes, that's the script sticking out in front of the camera, and, yes, that's Ted Stoltzfus reading off of it.  That is the white shadow of a hack.

Spincerely,
Dave Casey

[Editor's Note:  Ted Stoltzfus has had a long, successful career and is still being flooded by script offers.  David Casey, on the other hand, works at a local flower shop.  He will never work in film again.  We don't actually pay him for these articles, he just won't stop sending them.  They are proof to the public that it is our civic duty to shoot him on sight.]