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Characteristic Roar

I have already hit the ultimate low point of the TTT in my column The Capiteeaah, so I don't plan to belabor it any more in the near future.  The second lowest point, then, is the Godzilla Sketch.  Even the name alone should clue anyone who's not comatose into the fact that we completely did not care about the project.  The Godzilla Sketch.  Just like:  The X-files Spoof.  Another slam-danger of a name.  Yeah, I'd say we need to work on our titles.

Aside from that, the Godzilla Sketch contained plenty of... well - actually scratch that.  It didn't really contain all that many jokes because it didn't really have all that much dialogue.  However, it would not be outrageous hyperbole to say that every single joke that we did attempt in the Godzilla Sketch failed.  To name a few:  Godzilla himself, which is actually a toy about five inches high, or the Hanson concert.  Or the Hanson concert being destroyed by Godzilla.  Or Godzilla being destroyed by planes bombing him, and by bombing I mean actually trying to crash the planes into him, but usually missing.

But forget about all those because I might use them in future columns.  The one which just completely does not work, no matter how you slice it, is the one delivered by David Niemkawitz.  Niemkawitz makes an appearance as the usual scientist guy, but this time he comes to the army's rescue with his claims that he's translated Godzilla's characteristic roar to English.  Or possibly Japanese.  You see, we're not sure because, like all good Godzilla movies, the lips don't match up with the dialogue.  In another stroke of misunderstood genius, we thought it would be funny to have people stand around and move their mouth, or not move their mouth as is their wont, and have someone else do the voices.  Actually, this could be considered to be a joke, and it could be considered to have not failed.  A sole survivor amongst a battlefield of witticisms; clever epigrams mowed down by the vicious and merciless bullets of reason, fired from the guns of logic, and the damage surveyed with a grim expression by the audience who dares not crack a smile for fear their own weapons my turn against them.  To mix a metaphor.  In any case, the characters of this fine farce all stay true to the movies of the orient, and keep all voices separate from all mouths.

Except Niemkawitz.  For some reason, whether it be the hilarious and un-imitatable voice, or whether we were just trying to be funny, Dave Casey's lines were not overdubbed.  This causes a certain conflict of the mike.  All the people who were doing voices for the on-screen talent were situated behind the camera, a comfortable 3 microns from the built in microphone.  Dave, on the other hand, was on set.  From experience, some of which was garnered during this particular shoot, we have learned that any sounds quieter than a jet engine do not register with the mike.  When Niemkawitz is talking with the General about his amazing discoveries, the person doing the voice of the General (Aaron Hendren) was shouting into the mike which might as well be inside his mouth, while Dave's voice died from starvation and dehydration about 2 miles before reaching the camera.  The audience, therefore, hear something like this:

Niemkawitz: ....   ... ...i...  ........   ...


Niemkawitz: ... ...e. ..  ......  .. ...r...  ..


Despite the fact Niemkawitz's lines were the most amazing comedy ever produced in the history of our space-time continuum, you couldn't hear them.  The are now lost for eternity.  There may be a time in the future where we feel free to divulge them (from memory, of course), but for now, we shall keep them secret.  After all, we wouldn't anyone dying from laughter because of our jokes.  That just wouldn't do.